dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
