so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
