exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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