I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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