Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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