and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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