I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
