oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
