I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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