I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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