feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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