She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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