Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
