True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
