my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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