just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
home. puking in laundry basket.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
