i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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