i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
