Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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