I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
