chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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