four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
