I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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