Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
