I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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