So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
