My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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