I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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