i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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