Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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