and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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