I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
