I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
