I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
