did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
