god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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