i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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