i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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