Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
