wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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