his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
