You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
