sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
