On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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