I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
