I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
