I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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