goodnight i made you a song goodbye
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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