the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
