There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
